Where do we go from here? Wouldn't it be wonderful if I typed this post and by the end of it I had the answer? Unfortunately I know that isn't possible because love and marriage aren't that straight-forward. You know that you've made the end-all mistake, once again, but you don't want it to end. Why not? If you didn't want it to end, you wouldn't have made the mistake, right? Wrong. Apparently that isn't true because the last thing in the world I want is for my marriage to end. But right next to that, sitting there waiting to be noticed (hand raised shouting 'pick me pick me') is that I don't want my marriage to stay the SAME.
All marriages, friendships, relationships are hard, and not merely hard but almost impossible to maintain. People are just too different from one another to have it be any other way. My marriage has been hard from the beginning. I have always wore the fact that we dated for 2 weeks, then got married, as a badge of honor. But honestly I believe that it is that fact that makes it so hard to negotiate my next move. All I have ever known of my husband is how he is as my husband. Sometimes I think that it would be helpful to know what he was really like before me, before us. But since I can't go back in time and change that, I am stuck, forever trying to figure out a new tactic to move us past all of the old bad shit and forward into a more positive relationship.
We have both made our mistakes in this marriage, neither one of us holding the "Your's was way worse." title. We both suck and I think we both acknowledge that. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like we can EVER move past that admission. And when it comes right down to it, we will never fully trust one another again (or so it feels right now). This is the sad truth and because of this truth it makes me think that we are stuck. How do we move past the icky and into the healthy loving relationship we both want and deserve? We are both on the same page as far as wanting to stay together (and not just for the kids). We truly enjoy each other's company and value the time and energy we have put into our almost 20 years of marriage.
Do we feel so poorly about ourselves that we simply won't let the other back in? I don't know. I can speak for myself, that I am not in a great place mentally all of the time but I am much of the time and that's something. I think currently he is not in a great place mentally, the majority of the time, and that is the part that is currently weighing heavy on our relationship. I know that when I have felt bad about myself I tend to project my negative thoughts onto the other person, feeling that they MUST be feeling and thinking the same way OR "they couldn't possibly want to make things better". Ugg the darkness that fills our minds sometimes, we are our own worst enemy for sure.
So for now, right this moment, I must accept that things are not perfect, not the way I want them to be, BUT this is still the man that I love and have chosen to grow old, spend the rest of my life with AND I will continue to fight the 'good fight' until I have won or there is nothing left to fight for. (Here's hoping the former prevails.)
Photo Courtesy of: Gaylaxy Magazine
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