Thursday, June 26, 2014

I Shouldn't Have Had Kids

I shouldn't have had kids, in fact I shouldn't have ever gotten married. Have you ever had that moment of clarity? It might come to you in the calm after the storm but it's there, nonetheless. This isn't to say I don't love my kids and my husband with my whole heart. The fact is they don't have a thing to do with this realization. They are not the problem, truth be told, they are amazing. I am the problem. I am not mentally fit to be that important in someone's life. This isn't me looking to you for sympathy or reassurance that I am not what I believe myself to be. I've known what a scene my life is since the age of 12, of course at that age it's hard to grasp the intensity and the importance of mental illness. But it does come to you, little by little that life, although not meant to be easy, is going to be really fucking hard for you.

We each have our own challenges, whether we're of sound mind or not. I do not fool myself by thinking my life is so much harder than everyone else's - that would be ridiculous. I do, however, understand that others out there are better equipped to deal with what life throws at them. And by deal, I mean effectively review the situation, go through the potential options to correct the situation, and calmly relay that information to those they love. This is not how I react to a problem or situation at ALL. I explode, either quietly inside my brain (when my meds are perfectly in check) OR (much to my family's dismay) out loud and with lots of cussing and way too much agitation. It's sad, it makes them sad, and even in the midst of it all, it makes me horribly sad. I love these people and they love me. They don't deserve to be subjected to this behavior and I would be livid if anyone else treated them like that. But here I am, sitting on my bed, writing this post after treating my family like crap. I can attempt to justify it but saying I gave them fair warning (I've been off my meds for almost 2 weeks) and crystal clear instructions of what was expected of them in my absence (went to doc to get new Rx). I can also mention that I've just had a hysterectomy and my ovaries removed less than 2 weeks ago BUT truthfully none of that is an excuse to lose control to the point that I do. So, I come back to my original thought, "I shouldn't have had kids, in fact I shouldn't have ever gotten married." - if I hadn't I would only have myself to hurt, sparing the feelings and minds of these amazing people I call my family. But as it always does, my medicine will kick in, bringing me to a settled reality, all will be forgiven, and our lives and love will continue on. Until the next time.

Photo Courtesy of: Tears for more than Fears