Love & Marriage - Part One

Where do we go from here? Wouldn't it be wonderful if I typed this post and by the end of it I had the answer? Unfortunately I know that isn't possible because love and marriage aren't that straight-forward. You know that you've made the end-all mistake, once again, but you don't want it to end. Why not? If you didn't want it to end, you wouldn't have made the mistake, right? Wrong. Apparently that isn't true because the last thing in the world I want is for my marriage to end. But right next to that, sitting there waiting to be noticed (hand raised shouting 'pick me pick me') is that I don't want my marriage to stay the SAME.

I Shouldn't Have Had Kids

I shouldn't have had kids, in fact I shouldn't have ever gotten married. Have you ever had that moment of clarity? It might come to you in the calm after the storm but it's there, nonetheless. This isn't to say I don't love my kids and my husband with my whole heart. The fact is they don't have a thing to do with this realization. They are not the problem, truth be told, they are amazing. I am the problem. I am not mentally fit to be that important in someone's life. This isn't me looking to you for sympathy or reassurance that I am not what I believe myself to be. I've known what a scene my life is since the age of 12, of course at that age it's hard to grasp the intensity and the importance of mental illness. But it does come to you, little by little that life, although not meant to be easy, is going to be really fucking hard for you.