I Shouldn't Have Had Kids

I shouldn't have had kids, in fact I shouldn't have ever gotten married. Have you ever had that moment of clarity? It might come to you in the calm after the storm but it's there, nonetheless. This isn't to say I don't love my kids and my husband with my whole heart. The fact is they don't have a thing to do with this realization. They are not the problem, truth be told, they are amazing. I am the problem. I am not mentally fit to be that important in someone's life. This isn't me looking to you for sympathy or reassurance that I am not what I believe myself to be. I've known what a scene my life is since the age of 12, of course at that age it's hard to grasp the intensity and the importance of mental illness. But it does come to you, little by little that life, although not meant to be easy, is going to be really fucking hard for you.

Say 'Ello to SUMMER My Friends ☼

So with summer quickly approaching, 19 days to be exact, I'm panicking a wee bit. I mean having a bunch of kids at home for almost 3 months straight is nothing new to me. In fact, I prefer vacation time - the slower pace of life, the decline of pressing engagements, the later bedtimes, and the SLEEPING IN (ah yeah)!!!

But as the kids get older (The ones at home are 5, 8, 10, 16, and 18) there are more arguments, fussing, bitching, complaining, 'I'm bored's, and messes. (Oh the freaking messes!) They are just harder to entertain, harder to keep happy, and harder to keep out of my hair. The one thing that is new to us this summer, that should prove to be my saving grace, is that we have a pool again. We haven't had one since 2003 and it has been heinous, truly.

So why am I more panicked THIS summer? Seems like it should be much easier but deep down inside I just know that somethings' a brewing. Plus I will start out the summer vacation 2 days after my Hysterectomy and Bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy (2 days hospital, 2 weeks of feeling like crap, and 6 weeks of not being able to drive), so they totally have the advantage if I give it to them. Consequently, I plan on getting ahead of the curve. I'm not letting them conquer me, they will not win. WE WILL HAVE PEACEFUL AND PLEASANT FUN, dammit!